Robert Francis "Beto" O'Rourke, Former Congressman & Presidential hopeful

talks about wearing a dress on a record album, driving drunk, growing up privileged as a platform for the working man and why a man with no life experience is perfect for the role of Commander In Chief... riiiiight.


Robert Francis "Beto" O'Rourke, Beta male and skateboard aficionado talks to us about his platform to reform America and bring back our core values of "free shit" for everyone.

ACSCC: You know originally, I wanted to grill Bernie "Stand in line for soup" Sanders, but I passed him for you. I figured you would make a funner interview prospect. Bernie has that grouchy appeal like those Sesame Street geezers in the movie balcony.

BETO: I cut a better figure than Bernie, this is true. I'm more in touch with America's youth and unlike him, I'm proud of my record.

ACSCC: Would this be the record of you in a dress?

BETO: My record of service. That record thing was blown way out proportion. I meant it as a gaff against the male chauvenistic image of what a musician should be.

ACSCC: You could have worn a frilly blouse and jeans. I mean it's a flower dress, no one else is wearing one. You look like a candy ass, dude.

BETO: Well, I'm not. I found it on sale. At the time, I was thinner and it accentuated my curves better. All in all, lets write that off to youthful indescretion.

ACSCC: Alright, I agree. But let's be honest, if you do win the big seat, you do realize no world leader will ever see you in anything other than the dress.

BETO: I don't believe that means anything. I have it on good authroity that Kim Jong-Un wears candy apple red stiletto heels and Putin has a thing for lace panties.

ACSCC: Don't shit a shitter. Kim Jung-Un maybe, but Putin has access to the finest Russian whores money can buy.

BETO: That's where he gets them from, or so I hear.

ACSCC: Alright, shut the fuck up with that. Let's talk about your record, driving drunk and burglary. Those are serious charges. Do you think that the American people will easily look past it, especially when you got off lightly?

BETO: My daddy pulled some strings, this is true. I think American's can look past it, after all, they would have done the same if they had a rich juiced in daddy, like me.

ACSCC: Pretty corrupt, dude. And I thought I competed with assholes. Alright, do you want to talk about the drunk driving? Like what happened?

BETO: I had a few too many beers and wanted to smoke my bong, but it was across town. So you know, I decided I could go get it. Again, stupid thinking on my part. Youthful indiscretion. We must be big enough to look past it.

ACSCC: You seemed to rail against Trump for his comments in the past?

BETO: He wasn't youthful when he said those things. At his age, it's purely distasteful and wrong.

ACSCC: I see. Go on please, sir...

BETO: Trump is a meanie, you know speaking of ill things, can you believe he's actually gone and bashed China? I couldn't believe it. I like China. Matter of fact there's nothing better when you're high as a mother than to eat some Chinease food. When I saw him take on the Chinese I said to myself, how can this heathen outlaw such fine cuisine?

ACSCC: Uhh, Beto, that's not what this is about...

BETO: Sure it is. that's what those tariffs all come down to. It's basically racism over food and other cultural delicacies. He sided with the Japanese, and we all know why he did it. It has nothing to do with jobs! Please. It's because Melania is a big sushi fan. If she liked Perogies you'd better believe he'd be knee deep in Polish-American diplomacy.

ACSCC: Excuse me, Mr. O'Rourke, but what the fuck are you talking about?

BETO: I'm talking about divisive policies which destroy our society. I'm talking about the riff between American values and Un-American activities. Sure, you see food, I see people. Workers. The common man. The working man.

ACSCC: Beto, are you fucking high?

BETO: Well... yeah

ACSCC: Makes sense.

BETO: But I believe in legalization. We have to decriminalize drugs. It has to happen. We must remove that as an obstacle for the common man. So you want to smoke a joint? Smoke it. It will eliminate crime. How many pot heads do you know that are criminals? Really?

ACSCC: None.

BETO: Exactly. You sit at home, smoke a few bowls and eat fruit loops. That's it. No big deal. So instead of a war on drugs, I propose a "no big deal" campaign for legalization of pot.

ACSCC: You know the Christian right will skeweer your balls and eat you for breakfast, right? You're proposing something radical and highly provacative.

BETO: Provacative? Moving the U.S. embassy  to Jerusalem was provacative. I voted against Israel's Iron Dome missles defense thing. That's bad for business. The best thing to do when dealing with complex geopolitical issues outside of ones experience is to shut down military actions in defense of a homeland and put the racists like that Netanyahu character on alert. I took him down a peg. Now THAT was provacative.

ACSCC: You realize Israel will skewer your balls and eat you for breakfast, don't you?

BETO: I disagree.

ACSCC: Well, if that isn't bad enough, you voted for Iran to develop nuclear weapons and other tools of mass destruction. Given Iran's shitty history of human rights, I mean they have a group of conservationists in jail and now they're talking beheading a few as "spies", given this record, how could you vote for them to go nuclear?

BETO: I did what?

ACSCC: Were you high then too, Beto?

BETO: I'm high a lot of the time, man. You don't think I could pull that Kennedyesque shit-eating grin if I was sober, do you?

ACSCC: That's another thing, you come from a privileged life. Raised with money and power. Private schools, good life. Childhood full of fond memories. You played the bit of the musician, wore a dress on a record album, got arrested for uh, "youthful indiscretions", had your daddy get you funding to start a company and all that jazz. That doesn't speak to a person who can make it on their own you know.

BETO: I disagree. I would have made it on my own but my parents WANTED to help me out, and one should never turn away a hand up especially if its from your parents. See, the way I see it, lots of Americans can sympathize with that. It goes back to the whole American dream thing. I lived that dream, I'm a shining example of it. They don't but so what? I'm real and I lived it, so they can believe in me. I can make it a reality for them. I can lead them to the promised land. Think of me as the Sacagawea to their Lewis and Clark.

ACSCC: Beto, you realize how full of shit you sound, yes?

BETO: ... a little...

ACSCC: You know, you champion civil issues, but I think you crossed the line when you went on the record saying you'd give illegal aliens the access to medical care and other things that legal born citizens don't even get for free. You know that ones going to backfire don't you?

BETO: It surely is, but I just need to use it to get into office. I'll change all that shit later on. I'm a politician, man. It's my job to say one thing and do another. You know how it goes.

ACSCC: Now you sound EXACTLY like our competitors...

BETO: You know, when you said you wanted to hear me out, I figured any guy with a donkey and strippers on his website would be good people. You're not as enlightened as I'd hoped you'd be.

ACSCC: I'm pretty open to things, but I think you're setting yourself up for a let down. You aren't ready to run for that type of office. If you got in, you couldn't have your daddy hold your hand.

BETO: I wouldn't need him, I'd get myself a good press secretary, maybe even that CNN douche bag, Acosta, and start changing things up. It wouldn't take much work. This country has at its core a value which is uniquely American: Free Shit. People want free shit, I say give it to them. Free shit for every one.

ACSCC: Uh, Beto now I know you're not high. Now, I'm pretty sure you're crazy.

BETO: Crazy sells. I wouldn't mind.

ACSCC: You want to talk crazy, lets talk crazy.

BETO: Shoot.

ACSCC: You said on record that you supported the impeachment of Trump. You backed the false belief that he colluded with Russia to influence U.S. elections.

BETO: I did, and I do. Trump colluded.

ACSCC: Mueller said there wasn't collusion. No evidence to support it, matter of fact.

BETO: Mueller was wrong. He dropped the ball. The first thing to remember when conducting an investigation is to find and form the facts to support the indicment. We all know he did it, now we just have to show those findings in the best light to prove he did it....

ACSCC: Bro, you're fucking talking about lying.

BETO: No, I'm not. Like I said we know he cheated his way in. We know this. So it's our job to say he did. Mueller did his investigation very lax. I would have appointed someone with more grit. unconventional, yes. But more grit. More fire.

ACSCC: Such as?

BETO: Rosie O'Donnell.

ACSCC: Beto?

BETO: Yeah?

ACSCC: Get the fuck out of here.

BETO: Rosie could have done it, you know damn well she has grit. Supposed to be funny, I don't think shes very funny. But she's tough. She could have brought down that presidency in style...

ACSCC: I mean it, Beto. get your ass up, and get the fuck out of here. Like now, move it.

BETO: Well, alright I'm going, but before I do, I hope my reckless policies, dress wearing youthful indiscretions doesn't influence your vote.

ACSCC: Beto, get the fuck out of here.

Because all red blooded masculine American rockers wear... frilly sundresses

Presidential hopeful and 2nd amendment hater, Beto in full dress 1st from the left (fitting eh?) on the cover of the worldwide blockbusting album (insert laughter here) The El Paso Pussycats with his "band" FOSS.

Hates the fact that American's have the right to protect themselves and buy semi-automatic rifles and other "meanie guns". Good luck trying to get the patriotic American behind that message, chief.

I sort of hope he makes it to battle Trump, will make fine entertainment.

Robert Francis "Beto the beta" O'Rourke didn't sit with us, thank God. I've heard this fuckhead talk and he drones on like that boring teacher in that movie with Matthew Broderick and the Ferrari. Anyway, I'm sure Beto has a bunch of way cool policies he'd be more than happy to talk to someone about but I could care less. Dude played shitty music and responded in Supermarket Spanish to a question asked of him in English, that makes him a fucking idiot in my book.

I would emphasize that this is a parody but I'm sure everyone will figure that out by now. It's not a very good one. The best parody is of this idiot pretending to run for President. Now that's funny.

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Dave Ramsey: financial guru, darling of credit card companies and Christian warrior

talks finances, shares his thoughts on commies, his detractors and what financial security is all about.

Dave Ramsey of The Dave Ramsey Show on XM Ch 165 talks to

The Donkey Show...this one has been a long time coming.

(that's what she said)

ACSCC: I've been looking forward to this for quite some time, Dave. I mean when it comes to finances, you seem to be the man to talk to. You're even more outspoken than I am, read mean tweets with gusto and routinely call people stupid. Could you tell us about this?

RAMSEY: Most people are stupid.

ACSCC: I see, wonderfully said. Lets get down to business. May I offer you a beverage? Perhaps some Scotch? I have some blue label here somewhere.

RAMSEY: I don't drink. The bible says a man that imbibes is headed for damnation and brimstone.

ACSCC: Don't tell the Irish that.

RAMSEY: The Irish don't count.

ACSCC: They'd be exempt, I agree. Alright, now listen, people always ask me for financial advice, and I always tell them the same thing: I'm not qualified. Oddly enough many say the same thing about you.

RAMSEY: Anybody that says that is a fucking moron.

ACSCC: Well, that seems a tad strong. I mean, you're a Christian, doesn't God tell us to turn the other cheek?

RAMSEY: The bible was talking to the ass kickers. That's a mistranslation between the Greek and Hebrew texts. What it truly says is " Ass kickers must equally distribute kicks on other cheeks".

ACSCC: I see.

RAMSEY: I'm not even here 5 minutes and you've been educated right there already.

ACSCC: Exactly. Speaking of education, you run a radio gig on XM Channel 165, have penned quite a few books and kibitz regularly about why you're a genius. Now we don't usually plug anyone on The Donkey Show, but all I did was mention your top rated show on XM Ch 165, and how you're a best selling author, only because I am very happy to be here with you.

RAMSEY: You're a subtle guy.

ACSCC: I try.

RAMSEY: I bet you do.

ACSCC: Sir, I read your book The Total Money Makeover and I gotta tell you, there's nothing better to sleep to.

RAMSEY: How very droll. You don't look like a big reader.

ACSCC: I was in my youth. It helped me become the polished individual I am with this stellar vocabulary. I don't have time now. I run a business and routinely have to bust balls and kick FCRA violators in the chops.

RAMSEY: I feel the same way about millennials and commie agitators.


RAMSEY: Don't mention that heathen imbecilic person to me, please.

ACSCC: You don't like her do you?

RAMSEY: Like her? Are you fucking kidding me son? I'd rather kiss that donkey of yours on the lips and crazy glue a clown wig to my hair than have to listen to her speeches.

ACSCC: A clown wig is too much, but you could do wonders with an Alice Cooper wig.

RAMSEY: Alice who?

ACSCC: Never mind. Listen, I was wondering, you're a Christian and I'm a heathen pagan. But does god hate communists?

RAMSEY: He surely does.

ACSCC: And how does he feel about people who cuss repeatedly?

RAMSEY: If they vote Republican, they get a pass.

ACSCC: Well fuckin' A. That puts me in the clear.

RAMSEY: Damn right.

ACSCC: You should give her some financial advice, maybe even educate her a little. You can do the same for our readers.

RAMSEY: Nothing you say will mean a lick to that fucking idiot.

ACSCC: And to our readers?

RAMSEY: Financial advice? I got some right here. But my book, anything else you spend money on ain't worth a  hill of beans.

ACSCC: That's a little self serving there, Dave. Trump said something similar.

RAMSEY: Shit, I guess it is. Know what I think of that?

ACSCC: No, what?

RAMSEY: Tough tittie.

ACSCC: You know, I heard somewhere that Visa was negotiating with you to bring you on as their official spokesman. Considering how you rank on them, I figured this would be crazy talk.

RAMSEY: It surely is, I hate credit cards. Truly. They are responsible for more human misery than The View and Obamacare. I'd never do that. Ever. Under no circumstances.

ACSCC: I heard the annual contract would exceed 2 million...

RAMSEY: Bullshit, everyone knows I don't sell out for less than 5.

ACSCC: Uh...

RAMSEY: Fuckin' A right. These banks, they love to take but they don't wanna give back. I'm all about giving back.

ACSCC: Well in that case you'd be taking?

RAMSEY: Shit, I'm all about that too. Can't have one without the other.

ACSCC: What about Obamacare?

RAMSEY: Is a Republican pushing it?

ACSCC: Do chickens have lips?


ACSCC: Bingo. So what's with the tweets you read?

RAMSEY: It's my way of staying hip. You know, this grandfatherly thing is bullshit. I'm bald but I ain't old. matter of fact, one time in Vegas, I got blotto and put The Crazy Horse to shame. I did this thing with my bald head that...

ACSCC: Whoa, Dave, Whoa. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

RAMSEY: Shit, what I did there fucking better. I don't need no problems with the PETA commies.

ACSCC: No shit.

ACSCC: Hey, I hear you like being bald. Saves on shampoo.

RAMSEY: Part of my wealth comes from not having to buy personal care products. That's something for the ladies to do when they ain't cooking.

ACSCC: I'll get calls for that comment you realize.

RAMSEY: I'm sure you'd get calls regardless. Dang boy, this website is just chock full of insults.

ACSCC: It's intrinsic to our advocacy.

RAMSEY: No doubt it is. Speaking of which, you should start thinking of your old age. Building your nest egg.

ACSCC: I plan of living wild and crazy, and burning out with scotch, Ukrainian hookers and plenty of rock n' roll.

RAMSEY: Why Ukrainian?

ACSCC: Why not?

Ramsey: Well, then why don't you show this good ol' boy the sights in this fair city?

ACSCC: Hey, we can hit the beach, drink rum in the water and get zorched under the sun.

RAMSEY: Fun for you, but I don't drink, I said.

ACSCC: Well in that case, we can snag a couple of Brazilian call girls to slather coconut oil on that bald head of yours and hit every club in town until one of us passes out.

RAMSEY: My money's on you. I bet I can out last your ass.

ACSCC: You probably could. I don't take Viagra at my age.

RAMSEY: Neither do I. I just wrap a Michigan bankroll around my Johnson.

ACSCC: Does that work?

RAMSEY: Son, ain't nothing a fucking wad of cash can't fix.

ACSCC: What about our financial machine?

RAMSEY: Well, alright maybe not that.

ACSCC: I'll tell you what, from now on, people ask me for advice, I'll tell them to tune in to your show. you got that white hair for a reason.

ACSCC: You got some yourself, candy ass.

ACSCC: This is true, but I have a secret weapon.

RAMSEY: Yeah, what's that?

ACSCC: I don't give a rats ass.

RAMSEY: I believe you there bub.

Dave Ramsey didn't sit with us, but the rest is true, and we're willing to swear to it on a stack of The Total Money makeover's and a glazed donut. Don't ask us for financial advice, you can listen to your uncle Bert or tune into this dude. He's filthy rich and may call you stupid but that's just his way of showing you he cares. We don't know how he feels about alcohol, he's Christian but not a saint. Perish the thought. Image property of Dave Ramsey, used for educational/parodical purposes only. This is a fucking parody, people with no sense of humor can go vote for Bernie Sanders... there's no better place to throw a vote away...unless it's on the dumb shit below.

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U.S. Rep. Ocasio-Cortez: Call her crazy, whacky, unprepared, oblivious, a commie but, don't call her a chick...

We've been pushing the envelope since we came on the scene, and some would argue since our founder was born. Here we sit with Congresswoman Cortez and oh fuck it, read the interview for yourselves.

Oblivious, unprepared, a militant feminist with an agenda?

I couldn't care less. All those feminists are alright broads.

Yet, Rep. Ocasio-Cortez has both crossed the line and intrigued me. The former bartender has managed to stick her foot in her mouth on numerous non-consecutive occasions and provided comic relief on even the most boring, blasting music till 3am work nights. That she's whack would mean nothing to me. Yet she touched my main man, Bezos and managed to fuck NY out of billions in tax revenue. This, makes her fair fucking game.

ACSCC: Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez, I was debating interviewing you, because despite all the stupid misinformed shit you spew, including the commie platitudes, I never like to mess with politicians. I mean, yes I'm an obvious Independent, but I do vote my conscious and common sense. I lean to the right, but that's just because I believe in my Republic and believe wholeheartedly that each one of us has the right to manifest our destiny.

However, since you've done two things recently (criticize Equifax and slammed Jeff Bezos) I figured you're fair fucking game. You won't debate Shapiro, but I got you here now... Tell me, why the hell did you agree to do it?

AOC: I came for the donkey.

ACSCC: The donkey is the mascot of the company, Mrs. Cortez. The donkey is a reminder to our competitors that this company schools them on the regular, despite being politically incorrect. It's not a Democratic icon.

AOC: I wasn't aware. Perusing your website I can see there's been a real problem here. You're vulgar, use gratuitous profanity and objectify women.

ACSCC: Not true. Some women objectify themselves, I just buy the stock photos.

AOC: I still think you shouldn't.

ACSCC: Mrs. Cortez, you identify as a feminist do you not?

AOC: I do.

ACSCC: Why is it feminists are women that normal men wouldn't want to fuck?

AOC: I'm offended at that implication.

ACSCC: Whoa, whoa, whoa, just cause I wouldn't screw you with Bill Clinton's dick doesn't mean I have anything against feminists. Feminists are alright broads to me.

AOC: That is so wrong...

ACSCC: Wrong was taking on Jeff. I mean that's my old boss. And sure he may be a tad uptight and long-winded, but he's my uptight and long-winded old boss. He taught me more about customer service and enterprise than any University professor. You almost danced a jig when you nixed Amazon's plans to build an HQ in New York. You realize you fucked people out of 6 figure incomes, right?

AOC: New York should not have planned on paying him 3 billion dollars.

ACSCC: New York wasn't going to pay him this, the 3 billion was in tax breaks for the company. The potential taxes paid to the state by those wouldabeen new employees would have been closer to 30 Billion. 3 billion in tax breaks doesn't seem so bad considering what you'd get in return.

AOC: Oh.

ACSCC: Anyway Mrs. Cortez, let's talk about something else. You've slammed Equifax and I don't blame you. Equifax should be held to account for fucking peoples lives for the next 50 years by mishandling the security of their data. We agree on one thing, but then you go on to the abolishment of the credit system entirely. You do understand how this works don't you?

AOC: People get a number. I don't believe in numbering people.

ACSCC: Credit scores don't number people. The score is a risk management tool. It's used by banks to measure the risk of a return on an investment. Hence, money is loaned out at interest, and the interest is the profit of the bank. The score tells a bank the probability of a person paying back a loan. That's all it is.

AOC: But people don't need it.

ACSCC: Perhaps you're correct. People don't need credit, this is all choice you see. Nevertheless, people can benefit from credit. It should be at a consumers discretion.

AOC: No. We should tell them what to do.

ACSCC: No, that's not our governments job.

AOC: We disagree then. Because if it we're up to me there would be no credit. No private sector, no rich fat cats, no people working 80-100 hour weeks who can't feed their kids!!! I'd put an end to this.

ACSCC: 100 hours and what? Where do you get this shit?

AOC: Numerous places. I have a massive following on Twitter.

ACSCC: You realize you make $174,000 g's now.

AOC: That's different.

ACSCC: I see. You didn't accept Ben Shapiros debate request. He pledged 10 G's to whatever charity you'd like. The man is sincere. Are you afraid he's bash you into dirt and show you as a poorly prepared tool of socialist thinking or was it you think he'd hit on you?

AOC: He wants me. You can see it in his face.

ACSCC: Uh. Its a moment like this that I'm reminded of Stephen. The Brave Heart guy. I believe he said it best. "The Lord tells me he can get me out of this mess, but He's pretty sure you're fucked."

AOC: Meaning what, exactly?

ACSCC: If you think that man wants to hit on you, you're even crazier than you look.

AOC: I look crazy?

ACSCC: Well you got the Manson eyes. Your forehead crinkles when you're angry. You keep that up, you'll have to screw on your hat.

AOC: You're quite the charmer, Mr. Arfenderos.

ACSCC: Armenteros.

AOC: That's what I said. I'm quite capable of remembering a name, especially a French one.

ACSCC: The name is Basque, Congresswoman.

AOC: I know that.

ACSCC: It occurs to me, Congresswoman, that although you rail against this country's government, most of which you describe as grotesquely corrupt and inadequate, it is indeed this country that let you, a bartender, run for and miraculously obtain your current position.

AOC: You find this interesting?

ACSCC: I find it comical.

AOC: Because I'm a woman?

ACSCC: No. Because you're a fool. Nevertheless, you've convinced a group of people to appoint you as their representative, so we must contend with this. Especially those voters who put you where you are. Do you think costing them seriously good paying jobs is good for business?

AOC: I think we'll be alright. Minorities don't need the hand out of that slave driving man. We brought him down to size. I danced to it. Want to see me dance?

ACSCC: No thanks, I just ate.

AOC: I appreciate your thoughts. Do you know what I think of you?

ACSCC: Well not really, but I'd put you right between what our competitors think and what some ex girlfriends think. How's that?

AOC: Where would it be?

ACSCC: Between a neusance and a jerk, roughly 

AOC: Mr. Fabulous...

ACSCC: At your service.

AOC: What do you propose?

ACSCC: I'm not egocentric enough to believe the world of finance would care what I think is a good proposal. I'm not interested in abolishment of a system which tor the most part works. I'd rather fix the system than eradicate it. I'm more the don't throw the baby out with the bathwater type.

I say people should educate themselves as to what credit really is. Why it is an evil system, surely, but one they can learn to use to their advantage. I'd rather organizations truly provide easy to navigate tools so consumers can be savvy, regardless of socio political standing or if they wear different funny hats. In other words, empower the people to achieve, not limit their potential by offering to pay their way through life.

AOC: The world should change. Change requires a militant mindset.

ACSCC: Maybe so, but I don't feel it's my place to overthrow anything. I'd be content to craft some positive change.

AOC: So you won't vote for my green new deal?

ACSCC: I wouldn't vote for it if it was blue or red, and featured strippers and an all night kegger. It's a bad idea. Nevertheless, I agree with you that these credit bureaus should shoulder true responsibility. They should be held accountable for the loss to a private individuals information.

AOC: But the children!

ACSCC: Every fucking politician talks about the children. Stop using children as a platform. Use common sense. They call you Occasional Cortex, you realize this.

AOC: It's a vulgar assumption of my intelligence.

ACSCC: That's a presumptuous comment, Congresswoman. I don't think there's much there. Nevertheless, I hope when we bring our petition before the Congress you'll give it some serious consideration.

AOC: I could call you to testify. We could convene a session on this matter. I can hold you to account for being perhaps the most vulgar, obscene, politically incorrect businessman to date.

ACSCC: Even worse than President Trump...

AOC: Trump doesn't have a donkey...

ACSCC: This is true. Technically speaking neither do I.

AOC: But you would.

ACSCC: Yes, I suppose I would if I could. You'd bring me up on charges?

AOC: I'm in power now. And you seem quite dangerous.

ACSCC: I see. Would you care to explain.

AOC: No I would not. So far I've been insulted, degraded, marginalized and insulted.


ACSCC: You said that one already.

AOC: Alright. You're also a privileged meanie who hates women and minorities.

ACSCC: I am a minority.

AOC: Minor details, Mr. Armencheros

ACSCC: Armenteros.

AOC: Whatever.

ACSCC: I always thought the political cartoonists were too rough on you, but as you're sitting there, your eyes are really bugging out, your buck teeth are drooling something awful and I do believe your nails have grown into claws.

AOC: Let me ask you something, do you think working 80 hour weeks, enslaved to commercial greed is good business?

ACSCC: I work more than 80 hour weeks. I serve my country and run a company. That's good business, yes.

AOC: Wouldn't you'd rather be handed things?

ACSCC: Only the keys to a penthouse suite stocked with Crunch bars, Bourbon and Asian hookers.

AOC: This is pointless.

ACSCC: I've been having the same thoughts... you haven't run away, I'm shocked.

AOC: I'm not afraid of you. It's undignified to my office and station to run, Why would I ?

ACSCC: We'll you see, to finish up we have Mr. Shapiro here with us and he'd like nothing more than to ask you a simpl…

(Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez stood up, kicked our founder in the nuts and rushed from the building. Sadly Ben Shapiro wasn't really coming by to finish the interview which is sad because an ice pack was sorely needed.)

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Click this text to start editing. This simple title and text block is great for welcome or explanatory text. When writing, try to keep things down to a few lines at a time. Break up your content into different blocks to keep your page interesting.


Now this parody is complete!

Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez did not sit with us, as much as we would have enjoyed a festive debate. If she refused Ben Shapiro who is an actual commentator, there's no way in hell she'd sit with The Donkey Show which strives to parody life's more mundane issues and social mores. Oh fucking well. Our bi-partisan Congressional petition may eventually require her to sign it or veto it, or come up with some commie platitude filled abolishment. Should be fun. Photo credits: Brave Heart, owned by Icon Productions/The Ladd Company, Ocasio-Cortez memes freeamericanetwork. com, US Politics - MTStars, Patriot Humor, Main Photo property of Fox News. Fair use of public domain art/photographs and/or artwork for illustrative and Educational Purposes only.  Parody not to be taken seriously, very much like Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez. We don't want to anger feminists, they really are alright broads.

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FICO & Vantage scores developers don't just hire any type of scientist, they hire the Data Scientist.

We sit down with a data scientist that shall go unnamed, and cover what scores are, why they are developed and if these guys screw nurses. Lets begin shall we...

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While everybody is off hating the President, half of The Congress, media outlets and journalists, we decided to shine some light into a really dark recess of humanity. A place where only the vilest of the vile lurk. No, not California. We found ourselves a data scientist.

Whistleblower: They can't see me right?

ACSCC: No they can't see you, they don't even know who the fuck you are here, this is Miami. No one gives a shit here.

Whistleblower: I know, I drove here, remember.

ACSCC: I should be cross with you, what with this whole secrecy thing.

I'm a big adherent to transparency.

Whistleblower: I'm blowing the whistle here, and if I'm going to blow anything, its going to be unanimous.

ACSCC: Uh, you do realize how that sounds?

Whistleblower: How what sounds?

ACSCC: Never mind, alright I'll honor your request at anonymity, just think of us as the glory hole of America.

Whistleblower: You realize how that sounds?

ACSCC: How what sounds?

Whistleblower: Never mind. Look lets get a move on with this, I'm nervous enough as it is.

ACSCC: Whom do you fear?

Whistleblower: The general public. If the average Joe knew what goes into a score, what we put into the equation, they'd hunt us down and beat up with the dirtiest pair of old shoes they could find.

ACSCC: I see. Well, what goes into the score?

Whistleblower: Pure fuckery. Sure I can call it a mathematical equation, but that isn't the truth. the truth is what goes into the score is a complex series of parameters, which though may sound boring to a guy like you,  is done so on purpose. We want to bore you with the data of risk analytics. Anyway, what goes into it is a series of complex hoops that change every day, to make sure you can't jump through them in a predictable fashion.

ACSCC: Kind of like the political landscape then?

Whistleblower: Worse. Politicians change themselves out every few years, giving the opportunity for new people to get their hopes up and then down. With us, were here for the duration. You're fucked every day in and out, nothing changes, not even when we retire.

ACSCC: Whoa, how is this even legal?

Whistleblower: "Legal" and "illegal" are abstract terms, kind of like "meat" is an abstract term to McDonalds or "deodorant" is abstract to the French.

ACSCC: Go on please...

Whistleblower: That's the least of it. Sure we can package things real nice, so much so, people will be happy to have the high scores, and fear the low scores. We're good at packaging things up.

ACSCC: This isn't some harmless tasty cigarette, dude. this is people's lives.

Whistleblower: Hey, I know. I feel guilty about it. Still, what the fuck am I supposed to do with a Yale education?

ACSCC: Go work for Amazon! fucks sake.

Whistleblower: Bezos has no need for scientists.

ACSCC: You can develop a better hairpiece for him! Anything is better than this shit.

Whistleblower: He's the worlds richest man. Bald looks good on billionaires and aging bodybuilders.

ACSCC: What about corpulent Cuban Italian businessmen?

Whistleblower: Only if you wear gold chains and a shirt open to the navel.

ACSCC: I'm in the clear then, should I ever go bald.

ACSCC: Big Pharma, maybe get a job with those fuckwits?

Whistleblower: I'm not that kind of scientist. I have an advanced PhD, I'm not an M.D.

ACSCC: So I take it you don't bang nurses?

Whistleblower: There are none. And you don't want to see what our assistants look like.

ACSCC: Dogs?

Whistleblower: Fucking A right. Dogs.

ACSCC: Alright look, so you develop a score, make it real pretty, introduce the scale system and people gravitate towards it. Jump on the mule, and never know...

Whistleblower: Well no, they know. They must know, its a rigged game. We aren't very good at subtlety. I mean, how subtle would a double headed dildo look crawling across a white tiled floor at a virgins house?

ACSCC: Not very, I suppose... unless its wearing a fedora... even though not many virgins out there today... unless you count my neighbor Mark...

Whistleblower: Well, that's what this is like. Sure, Emptor Caveat and all that, but lets face it, people don't know what this means.

ACSCC: They would if you said it in English, asshole.

Whistleblower: Well, alright. Maybe, you've got a point.

ACSCC: Buyer beware. Look how nice that sounds?

Whistleblower: You're chain smoking. Surgeon General's warning is right on the box. See what it says?

ACSCC: I see it, but I chose to not give a shit. You don't  give people that choice. You work for cartels, big bankers and insure the country stays in debt.

Whistleblower: Oh, right. You think they'd care if we told them the score is meant to keep them in debt, so banks can charge them double the interest and keep them from ever getting ahead? that's all a score is alright. No bank wants a person to have excellent credit, excellent credit means less interest.

I don't think they'd want to know the truth.

ACSCC: They might. Think about it, if we covered this shit in an appealing way, like we do celebrities and the douchebags that pass for entertainers today, well, it could make a difference.

Whistleblower: It's not in their best interest. No pun intended. Banks don't want savvy, intelligent consumers.

ACSCC: Neither do politicians...

Whistleblower: So, what's it matter?

ACSCC: Ah, maybe you're right, but maybe I'll try to do something about it in my own way.

Whistleblower: Right, with strippers, donkeys and debauchery...

ACSCC: I keep a readers attention. Education can be stimulating.

Whistleblower: I suppose...maybe it could be.

ACSCC: Oh please, I've seen how your looking at the girls over there.

Whistleblower: I never figured you'd have groupies here.

ACSCC: Hey, we make this shit fun, buddy.

Whistleblower: Do you think I've got a shot?

ACSCC: Normally, I'd say yes. But you're a douchebag bastard... even I don't think I can swing an intro with that resume...

Whistleblower: Reformed douchebag bastard... I'm spilling the beans remember?

ACSCC: Well, I suppose you sort of are. I'll put in a good word, will you do the same for my clients?

Whistleblower: I make no promises...

ACSCC: Ahh it's alright. Who knows, you may end up with the clap,

but I'll introduce you around.

Whistleblower: The clap?

ACSCC: Yeah, but considering your lame interview, it's probably the only clap you'll get for this.

Whistleblower: You really are a piece of work, you know that?

ACSCC: I would have figured this was obvious.

We don't know if our interviewer got the clap or not, but he did pass out after a few boilermakers and we did the only sensible thing we could. Drove him to city hall, strapped him naked to the flag pole and raised him up. It was the least we could do for all the hardworking people who didn't get to beat him with their dirty old shoes.

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"I never like to endorse business owners that are better looking than myself, but this Armenteros is a fucking genius."

- President & Commander in Chief Donald J. trump from his interview with A CLEAN SLATE CREDIT


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45th President, Donald "Big Daddy Don" J. Trump takes a chair and speaks to our founder, Antonio "Mr. Fabulous" Armenteros.

Lord help us...

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ACSCC: President Trump, before we begin, I'd like to say, congratulations, sir.

TRUMP: You mean for winning the presidency?

ACSCC: Not that, for getting your hair to stay perfect. I mean look at it. Pristine, combed over and whipped up nice. All yours too, I might add. It's even better than my hair. I got cowlicks and this widows peak going. I look like a cross between Bella Lugosi and that ugly fucker Andy Garcia.

TRUMP: Bella Lugosi didn't win many beauty contests.

ACSCC: Neither has Andy Garcia, and beauty is an area you know a

 bit about.

TRUMP: I did own the miss universe.

ACSCC: I meant winning the presidency. A total thing of beauty, stayed up to watch you mop up the libs. Total glory.

TRUMP: What can I say. People got good taste.

ACSCC: I didn't get to vote for you though.

TRUMP: People have good taste, excluding you then.

ACSCC: I won't argue that point. But I would have, that's the thing to remember here.

TRUMP: What was more important than getting me into office?

ACSCC: Getting Bridgette out of her lace panties.


ACSCC: Never mind. Look, I was busy. Give me a break, you won.

TRUMP: I surely did.

ACSCC: Right, Ok, now, besides kicking Democratic ass, redefining a pig fucking all out fight and calling out CNN as the fake news assholes they are, it is very important I speak with you. We have avid readers who enjoy our advocacy between bong hits and south park reruns.

TRUMP: I can see it.

ACSCC: Right. Listen, can I call you big D?

TRUMP: I don't care what you call me.

ACSCC: Alright Big D, I...

TRUMP: Just kidding, of course I care.

ACSCC: Alright Mr. President., Jeez you're mercurial.

TRUMP: That's what Melania told me, or was it mechanical?

ACSCC: Uh...

TRUMP: Look can we hurry this up? I have to make America great again and you're eating into my time.

ACSCC: Funny you should say that, I want to make Credit Repair great again.

TRUMP: I heard. The Donkey Show.

ACSCC: It came about organic like. A donkey, a few strippers, some raunchy humor and a boat load of fucking advocacy.

TRUMP: It's uniquely American.

ACSCC: I think so. Maybe one day I could be President.

TRUMP: Anything is possible. but with that dirty mouth of yours, good luck. So you want to talk finance?

ACSCC: Not really, fuck finances. I want to talk kicking ass, making Americans great again and what we can do to absolutely fucking destroy FCRA violators.

TRUMP: Kicking ass I can tell you, buy my book. The best book ever written on kicking ass. The art of the deal. I mean I say this without bragging but it's a fucking great book written from a genius point of view.

ACSCC: Yours?

TRUMP: A genius. I mean come on. I make Lee Iacocca look like a peanut vendor. I make Michael Eisner look like Mickey Rooney. I make Jeff Bezos look like...

ACSCC: He's richer than you, sir.

TRUMP: Yeah, but he isn't fucking president now is he?

ACSCC: You got him there.

TRUMP: I got him here too. (Pulls out phone calls up Bezos direct and puts him on speaker)

TRUMP: Bezos, you there motherfucker?

BEZOS: Oh for fucks sake, what now, Mr. President? Did Alexa act up again? Call tech support.

TRUMP: In Mexico?

BEZOS: Our tech support is U.S. based, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Yeah, listen. The art of the deal, read it. Quickly! And get a copy for my Hispanic friend here.

ACSCC: Uh sir. I don't like being called a Hispanic...

TRUMP: Can I call you a Guinea?

ACSCC: I don't object to that.

BEZOS: Fucks sake, you got me on speaker? Who is that?!

TRUMP: I'm busy Bezos. I don't have all day to sit around and talk shit with you.

BEZOS: You called me!

ACSCC: He's got you there Mr. President.

BEZOS: Who is that??

TRUMP: A former employee, don't worry about it.

(Bezos groans)

TRUMP: Yeah I called you, I called you out for being a union busting, slave driving liberal scumbag douche.

BEZOS: I vote Democrat, sir.

TRUMP: Viva the donkey show!!

(Bezos hangs up. Trump puts phone away.)

TRUMP: I love doing that to him twice a day. Mother fucker has to take my calls. Can't refuse a presidential request.

ACSCC: Neither could I.

TRUMP: You're lucky you got in the building.

Lucky my ass. The secret service put their fingers up my ass and everything.

TRUMP: They do it to Giuliani . No big deal.

ACSCC: Uh... Sir

TRUMP: What do you want, a fucking donkey? I'll buy you one. We can have him graze on the lawns here.

ACSCC: Donkey's don't graze sir.

TRUMP: I'm. sure we can pay it to.

ACSCC: Mr. President, help us make Credit Repair great again.

TRUMP: I own that trademark asshole, don't even think about it. I got the best lawyers, killers. Absolute. Tough guys. Great guys.

ACSCC: Like Giuliani?

TRUMP: Tougher. Bigger balls even.

ACSCC: Alright that seems an impossibly but let's move on sir.

TRUMP: Want a donkey? I'll tell you what, I'll spring for the mule and you get some of your stripper friends to take a ride in my chopper. Deal?

ACSCC: Who's buying the blow?

TRUMP: Let the bitches bring their own!

ACSCC: Damn straight. Alright the mule aside. I have a petition to eradicate upfront charges by rival competitors.

TRUMP: I can dig it.

ACSCC: You know, all bullshit aside, I don't do drugs and I don't drink. I'm fueled by pure madness and the desire to kick ass.

TRUMP: And you read Penthouse, I heard.

ACSCC: They do have great articles... It's a big read in the Pentagon.

TRUMP: It surely is. Alright tell me of your FCRA overhaul.

ACSCC: It's bi partisan...

TRUMP: I like the bi's,

 ACSCC: It will help people out, and level the field pushing all these scam operators out.

TRUMP: You want to grab em by the pussy?

ACSCC: They are pussies. How else would one grab them?

TRUMP: Touché.

ACSCC: It basically makes it a criminal penalty to charge upfront for these pesky "file creations" or "audits". It's bullshit anyway, and plenty of abuse and law skirting goes into it.

TRUMP: Criminal penalty?

ACSCC: Sure, I mean what's the point of a law, if it isn't enforced?

TRUMP: I can see it.

ACSCC: You know, I've been meaning to get to this interview, all BS aside, I like you. I don't agree with some of the shit you say, but you are a born leader, an opinionated big mouth and have big brass balls.

TRUMP: Thank you.

ACSCC: You're quite welcome, Sir.

TRUMP: You know, I've been quoted. I've said it: I never like to endorse anyone who's better looking than myself,  but this Armenteros is a fucking genius.

ACSCC: I am. I agree.

TRUMP: And humble too.

ACSCC: That's what my brother says.

TRUMP: Did he vote for me?

ACSCC: God no.

TRUMP: I see.

ACSCC: So do you think this petition has a chance?

TRUMP: I think it does, I think Americans are getting pretty tired of the pseudo professionalism bullshit that precedes a pig fucking.

ACSCC: They are, I agree.

TRUMP: And you are pretty opinionated yourself, I've read you site, holy shit man.

ACSCC: I don't sleep well. never have. Chocolate and cigarettes leads one to some whacky thoughts.

TRUMP: You're a workaholic aren't you?

ACSCC: I wasn't handed anything my whole life.

TRUMP: Most winners never were.

ACSCC: This is true. Mr. President, I have a request, I'd like you to consider.

TRUMP: Go ahead.

ACSCC: I would like to propose David "Diamond Dave" Lee Roth as Cultural Ambassador to your cabinet.

TRUMP: The lead Van Halen guy.

ACSCC: One and the same.

TRUMP: I wasn't aware he was interested in any gig, much less that non existent one...

ACSCC: He probably wouldn't be, but you could sort of spring it on him.

TRUMP: Would he do it?

ACSCC: He probably would. Any guy named "Diamond Dave" has got to be good people.

TRUMP: They call you "Mr. Fabulous", what's that about?

ACSCC: I'm not sure. A playful nickname. I've been called worse.

TRUMP: I believe it.

ACSCC: So have you.

TRUMP: Touché.

ACSCC: I got to tell you, You've kept every fucking promise you've said you would. You are, quite possibly the most impressive president of my generation. You actually give a shit, its not about money with you and it could easily be.

TRUMP: I believe in my country. Enough is fucking enough.

ACSCC: I echo your thoughts, Sir.

TRUMP: I will continue to do so, not everything I do is immediately understood or appreciated, but I love my country, I love the very, very great people of the country, and the very, very great love those people have for their land. Ill fight for that. I want their security, their prosperity and their independence.

ACSCC: You got balls, Mr. President.

TRUMP: All real Americans do.

ACSCC: Thank you for your time, Mr. President.

TRUMP: It's my pleasure, good luck with the Donkey Show.

ACSCC: Thank you, Sir. Good day.

David "Diamond Dave" Lee Roth has never been proposed for Cultural Ambassador, but he should be. President Donald J. Trump is not known as "Big Daddy Don", but in all truth, he could be. Jeff Bezos is not a union busting, slave driving, liberal scumbag douche...that we are aware. If he is or is not on the Presidents speed dial is completely unknown. Our founder is not Hispanic, but he does have Italian heritage, so the whole Guinea thing is valid, since Guineas can call themselves Guineas. Fuggedaboudit. This is a parody, just in case it pisses someone off, which is sort of the point of it. The secret service did not put a finger up our founders ass, and we are not aware that Giuliani gets the same treatment, but it would be sort of funny if he did. Our founder does not use "blow" nor does the President and no strippers were offered any in exchange of helicopter rides, but if cocaine was present, the bitches should always bring their own, or so we are told. Photo is copyrighted and not by us, used for educational and parodical purposes only under Fair Use. MAGA [email protected]#kers!

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"Being green is easy, being broke is a bitch."

- Kermit from his interview with A CLEAN SLATE CREDIT


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"The only priceless part was when piggy wouldn't fit in the cab"

Kermit the Frog

Kermit dishes the dirt on MasterCard, Disney, identity theft and being married to a pig... priceless.

ACSCC: Kermit, you are world renowned, Lipton tea and MasterCard paid you big endorsements to sell their products and you, personally, are an Icon. How is it possible you had credit issues?

Kermit: MasterCard is run by Nazi gonifs and I married a pig.

ACSCC: Explain.

Kermit: First of all lets get one thing straight. All that shit they flung in that commercial was bullshit. Nothing was free, a fucking trip to New York is gonna be free?

ACSCC: Well, it's marketing.

Kermit: Another thing. The only priceless part was when piggy wouldn't fit in the cab. One week filming that damn commercial. If it wasn't for fozzy bear keeping me sane, I'd have flung myself into the Hudson.

ACSCC: Strong words, buddy.

Kermit: It gets me riled just thinking about it.

ACSCC: Tell me about your debt.

Kermit: MasterCard fucked me. "Free", my green ass, those commercials don't talk about the interest, the draconian payments or the outsourced operators you gotta deal with when trying to get an increase. Like everyone else, I've had my ups and downs. Piggy pushed me into traveling and spending big on luxuries. She owns a huge collection of heels and thongs. Me, I'm really a simple guy.

ACSCC: Ok, so you got pushed into it by the wife?

Kermit: Pushed, slapped, whacked upside the head. That pig is one mean sow when she doesn't get her way.

ACSCC: So she ran you into debt?

Kermit: She'd run the sultan of Brunei into debt. Never marry a diva, that's my advice. I didn't listen, I saw the ham and wanted a slice. So sue me.

ACSCC: So you had debt.

Kermit: And two black eyes, yes. My debt is one thing, my debt my problem. On top of being robbed by my agents and abused by my piggy, some bastard stole my identity and went on a bender in Vegas.

ACSCC: And what happened?

Kermit: Hell if I know. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

ACSCC: No, I mean, what did you do about the identity theft?

Kermit: Oh. Well I had to go through the hoops and legal rigmarole.

ACSCC: So you came back?

Kermit: You bet my green ass I did. Funny, being green and having no green, that's a bitch.

ACSCC: You seem to handle green better now.

Kermit: Being broke, that's the bitch.

ACSCC: You made some claims about abuse, how would you say that's viewed in the industry?

Kermit: They look the other way. Between Jimbo's hand up my ass and piggy going all Ike on me for every little thing, it's a miracle I haven't committed froggicide.

ACSCC: Is that a homicide or suicide?

Kermit: I'd probably go for both.

ACSCC: Ok. So Lipton...

Kermit: Fucks sake, Lipton. Hey, I can dig it, but there was a time I educated, now I sell out and hawk products.

ACSCC: You have been around. When will you retire?

Kermit: Retire? That's rich buddy, Disney owns me outright. They'll pimp my ass for eternity and pay me peanuts. Look at Mickey, that poor fuck hasn't had a vacation in 50 years!

ACSCC: You're a survivor, I'll give you that.

Kermit: I'm one tough frog, I know.

ACSCC: Tell us about your priceless experience... feeling Cuban.

Kermit: It opened my eyes. I can wear gold chains, lizard shoes and summer shirts open to the navel and not be laughed at.

ACSCC: Guayabera's are quite a thing, eh. What about the food?

Kermit: Plantains I like, but that pork has gotta go. 30 years I ate a pig, once you been where I have, it's kinda hard to get the taste out of your mouth.

ACSCC: 30 years of work. What can you leave us with?

Kermit: The hotel bill. I put a few hookers on the tab, you said make myself at home.

ACSCC: Colombian or Venezuelan?

Kermit: Both!

ACSCC: No Cuban chicks?

Kermit: Of course! That's where the flavor is.

ACSCC: Kermit, you're a mensch.

Kermit: Thanks.

Viva the Donkey Show!

Don't ask me for a caption, pal, I just get paid to put these things up.

Parody. Not to be taken seriously. MasterCard is not run by Nazi gonif's. We don't even know what gonif means. Photo courtesy of some dude with way too much time on his hands.

Interview with Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson...

and some random Medium

When one thinks money one must inadvertently think of the 20 dollar bill. The most popular bill in the world, more than Grants 50, more than Lincoln's 5 spot, and even more popular than the measly 1 dollar bill our first President Georgie got. More than the hundred, yep, more popular by far. Known as "dub', "Ducat", "Double-Sawbuck", the 20 dollar bill is a representation of both the mighty green and the mighty American ego. Both a mighty combination, like drinking a 12 pack of room temperature soda and snarfing a whole bag of Taco Bell enchiladas at 5am because the vodka starved you!!!. Powerful! Anyway, while we were sitting around ruminating on world economics we got to thinking that it would be great to talk to the man himself, our favorite dead president, Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson.

Bear with us, we had to find a medium to channel Old Hickory, and not many were up to task. Even with bribes, firewater and a case of cigars, it took some doing. Here is the interview provided in full.

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ACSCC: Andrew...? Andrew Jackson? Are you there?

Jackson: OF course I'm here damn-it, I'm a fucking spirit, I can go where I please.

ACSCC: And you're pleased to be here?

Jackson: I was in a club in "Hotlanta", watching some fine southern beauties clap ass, and the next thing I know I'm here, in this room, staring at one ugly bastard. That is not pleasing.

ACSCC: Ah, then you are here.

Jackson: Fucks sakes, man. You had better have a good reason for bothering me.

ACSCC: We wanted to talk finance. America needs you, we need your guidance.

Jackson: Oh shit, not that again. America doesn't need me, I've been dead so long what I need is a fine sturdy woman with an ass like a buffalo and some serious smelling salts.

ACSCC: Look, we'll make it quick.

Jackson: Give me a stiff drink, I know there's hooch in here somewhere.

ACSCC: Firewater suit you?

Jackson: I'll drink panther piss.

ACSCC: You're a tough guy.

Jackson: Not really, its an image

ACSCC: Speaking of image, how do you feel about having your image on currency?

Jackson: Well, it could be worse I suppose. My image could have been printed on toilet paper.

ACSCC: Money is sort of like toilet paper, it's backed by a central bank.

Jackson: Did we lose a war?

ACSCC: A few, but that's not why.

Jackson: I'm in a club, watching ass clap and I get pulled away to listen to this shit? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't put a boot up your ass.

ACSCC: I'll give you 2. We need help financially, American's need to take their country back, its become a country of credit and interest.

Jackson: Americans don't need me, they need another shopping mall! America has been turned into a damned store, everything is for sale and nothing is worth a damn. I was watching ass... ass, man!

ACSCC: Is that how you while away eternity?

Jackson: I sure as hell don't spend it prowling the halls of congress. I sure as hell don't spend it pondering about how the greatest country has become the greatest debtor in the universe. You can do that righteous shit with your eternity, I spend mine in pursuits of pleasure. I'm a popular guy, my face has seen more ass than a rental car. I've been down more ass cracks than...than...

ACSCC: We're getting off point here.

Jackson:, well, look. I care, don't get me wrong. But what is the point of caring and keeping after people? You say the truth, you get kicked off the stage, you tell a lie, you get kicked off the stage. You stand up, its questioned. you don't stand, its criticized. America used to be a tough country. I ate plywood, I shit sawdust. Now its all a bunch of panty-waste-powder-puffs and chicken shits all talking, all not saying a damn thing.

ACSCC: I won't say you're wrong.

Jackson: You won't say much, you wont even give a dead man a fucking drink!

ACSCC: Well, its not every day I hear a 60 year old woman channeling a dead patriot.

Jackson: I'm coming through the body of a woman? Fucks sake man! The moment I leave I'm going to haunt you for years.

ACSCC: What about ass?

Jackson: Lucky for you I have priorities. Alright, what else do you want to know?

ACSCC: What do you think we should do? The world is run by central banks, money is printed at interest, credit card companies got us by the balls, and everyone tries to play a balancing act with a score we call FICO.

Jackson: You're screwed.

ACSCC: No seriously, the situation is dire. What would you suggest?

Jackson: I would suggest a rowboat and a paddle, shits creek is a rapid. Hold on tight.

ACSCC: Should Americans moderate?

Jackson: Americans know no such thing! Outrageous. It's not a question of moderation, it's a question about education.

ACSCC: So will you help educate them?

Jackson: Not a snowballs chance in hell. You want to waste your time pal, you do it. I got things to do.

ACSCC: Tell you what, you give me one good tip, and I'll take you with me to Playmates. Cuban girls got ass for weeks. I know the door guys, we never pay a cover.

Jackson: Deal. What do you want to know?

ACSCC: I forgot what we were talking about. I started thinking of the Cubanitas.

Jackson: Do they clap ass?

ACSCC: Brother, for the mighty dollar, you'll see ass spin, shake, wobble and do the wave!

Jackson: It's a damn shame I'm dead.

ACSCC: Hey, relax,  I know a guy who knows a guy, that knows a guy that has some serious smelling salts.

Jackson: Now we're talkin'. Whatever happens tonight, don't you fucking dare to tell me to moderate!

ACSCC: Have you seen me eat? Moderation is not in my vocabulary.

Portrait of Andrew Jackson property of the National Archives. used for illustrative purposes. This is a parody, not to be taken seriously. We would not dare interfere with this mans rest, or whatever the hell he does with his eternity. Ass clapping however, is a very fine pastime...or so we've been told.

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